Leaders manage conflict

I caught a blog posting over on the HBR.org site which gave me reason to reflect: Is your culture too nice by Ron Ashekenas.

I’ve been a leader in a lot of different cultures – right off the top of my head, I’ve been part of both Pepsi and Coke, which provides ample fodder for comparison.

And as a rule, I think that Ron is onto something, particularly as it refers to people issues.  Ron’s comments are more global, and my own experience would indicate that in today’s culture, the ability to say “I disagree with this idea” has come into fruition.  This is of course balanced by cultural differences, as in many cultures disagreement is strongly discouraged.  But in more Western influenced companies – which are most globally – the ability to provide conflicting feedback, data, or interpretations I believe has come into its own.

What hasn’t and desperately needs to is honest but conflictive feedback about a person’s performance.

Part of this is a fear of litigation.  In today’s world of everything from helicopter parents to “my life partner is an attorney”, providing feedback is often perceived as more trouble than its worth.

My advice is to bust past that fear and tell it like it is.  I have found two techniques of note to assist in this process

1. Ground your comment in honest emotion, shared unemotionally.  Telling someone “you made me feel small” in a calm open way is honest feedback.  You can’t sue someone for sharing an emotion.  Providing the feedback that “your teammates have come to me with the concern you aren’t pulling your weight.  Let me share with you their comments (not named)” is essential. Saying “you piss me off” in a loud voice is honest emotion, but you’re in the emotion.  You can’t do that.  You have to share the emotion in the third person.
2. Have your facts in order.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to coach someone out of the “well I told them they were always late, sniff, and then when they said ‘when’ I like totally freaked out and said ‘usually’ and they just walked out” situation. This one requires no further comment.

If you don’t have the leadership honesty to share at moments like these, you miss the opportunity to create a well-functioning team.

But how does that happen?  Not when you miss the opportunity for feedback.  In fact, by avoiding conflict the next day will likely be better than if you confront.

Its the days after that you need to be worried about.  The person who needed the conflict believes they were in the right.  Those who share your concerns and were looking to you for leadership lose trust in you.  Both of those trends spiral negatively, not positively.

Conflict, well-managed, about performance and perception is essential.  Not avoiding it is the mark of a true leader.